Washington D.C. Residents Signing Over Welfare Checks to Support New Stadium

D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams is trying to stir up support for the Washington Nationals’ new 41,000-seat stadium, telling a group of senior citizens last week that only $515 million was needed, not counting expected construction overruns. “The other $20 million is being put up by Major League Baseball”, he said, referring to the current owner of the team.

Analysts have pointed out that the funds required to build the stadium amount to little more than a million average welfare checks. “It’s time the people stepped up”, said Williams.

The new stadium is expected to vastly increase the value of the team at its upcoming sale. The 29 corporate and individual owners that make up MLB realize that the ultimate sales price will have little discernable effect on their overall estimated $100 billion net worth and market value, but point out that they didn’t get where they are by leaving a nickel sitting on the sidewalk.

“I’d hate to see the city kiss off a baseball team”, said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va, who chairs the congressional committee that oversees D.C. affairs and is expected to be a frequent luxury box invitee at the new stadium.

Almost one-in-three children in D.C. live in poverty, and it is expected that the new stadium will give many of these children an opportunity to watch other people going to games.

When asked what he thought about the new stadium’s projected $35 average ticket price, $8 beers and $24 parking fees, a tattered resident manning a food-stamp drop-off point in support of the stadium said “what I need parking for?”

Dead Collector Fails to Take Any of It with Him

Barry Halper, famed collector of sports memorabilia, is dead at 66.

During his lifetime, Mr. Halper amassed over 80,000 pieces of sports memorabilia, religiously inspecting at least ten different items from his collection each day in order to be assured of seeing everything at least once every 22 years.

The biggest disappointment in his life was having acquired only 80,000 items instead of the 90,000 he had hoped to amass.

Although Mr. Halper had known for many years that he couldn’t take it all with him, he never lost hope until the last moment that he might be able to just take the jersey Lou Gehrig wore at his farewell speech and the Honus Wagner card.

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