Trading Places

As baseball’s non-waiver trade deadline approaches, officials want to relax restrictions that hamper the free flow of players between teams.

"The system should make it easier for us to move players around,” said one team official. “Last season we wanted to bring in another left-handed bat for the last game of our September series with Oakland, but we were prevented from doing it by restrictive league rules.”

Of special interest are three-day trades between teams that are actually playing each other. “Many times a team will come in here to play, and have short-term needs that we can accommodate,” said a spokesman. “These deals are especially nice because at the end of the series you don’t have to fly the player home, you just send him over to the other locker room.”

Technological barriers to change have been overcome with the development of super small fonts that will allow a dramatic increase in the number of lines of team stats that can fit on the back of a baseball card.

Rules that effectively freeze rosters near the end of the season are the biggest target. “People used to love that old Blue-Gray Classic in college football,” opined one insider. “A lot of the best players from many different teams were thrown together for a late season game. Baseball’s playoffs should be more like that.”

Not all baseball executives are comfortable with the extent of the change being proposed. “I can see a player like Johnny Damon alternating between the Red Sox and the Yankees during the season,” said one, “but I’d hate to see him play for both teams in the same game.”

Much of the resistance to the new proposals comes from older front-office veterans who can still remember when players tended to spend their entire careers with a single team. “Look at that,” said one such warhorse, pointing to a team photo of the 1955 Dodgers, “the starters all spent their entire careers as Dodgers, except for a couple of guys who played a year or two at other teams right before they retired. Walt Alston was there for 23 years. The fans really knew those players, identified with them, they were like family. You knew they would still be Dodgers when you woke up in the morning.”

Asked to comment, an 18-year old assistant GM said “do you have any idea how badly we’d get hammered on jersey sales if the names of the players stayed the same year-after-year? The fans should know better than to get attached to any individual player. That’s why we have the mascot.”

Urbina Rots in Jail

Ugueth Urbina, veteran pitcher last with the Philadelphia Phillies, is spending his summer sitting in a Venezuelan jail on an attempted murder charge instead of playing baseball in the U.S.

Urbina allegedly came home to his family’s ranch in Venezuela and surprised five workers bathing in his swimming pool without permission. Prosecutors allege Urbina joined a group of men in attacking and injuring the five workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them. He faces 20 years in jail if convicted and must remain in jail until he is tried.

There are some critical questions that need to be answered about this affair:

1. The reports state Urbina joined others and “attacked five workers with machetes who were bathing in his swimming pool”. Does that mean they used machetes to attack five workers in his pool? Or were there five workers in his pool with machetes who they attacked? To me there’s a big difference.

2. What kind of workers were these? White collar? Or were they from the slaughterhouse or fresh from inseminating cows and so forth? And was the pool posted with a requirement that swimmers shower before entering, and if so, had the workers complied? And if not, how long had it been since they bathed?

3. One of the injured workers stated: “This has nothing to do with money. We don’t want them to offer us any money and we’re not asking them for any money”. Does this mean the whole affair isn't just a cash grab, or are they looking for bearer bonds, unregistered securities and Krugerrands?

4. The reports state that Urbina poured gasoline on the workers, but were they still in the pool when this happened, and did he actually try to light them on fire? I think we’ve all been guilty at one time or another of pouring gasoline on someone, but there’s a big difference between trying to get a few laughs and actually lighting a person up.

5. One of the alleged “victims” needed 300 stitches to close the wounds on his back. He claims the wounds were not self-inflicted, but how much credence should be given to the statements of a man who is demonstratively a coward?

Dear Judge Sullivan:

I am writing this letter on behalf of my nephew, who will go before you for sentencing on May 13, 2006.

The events that have brought Michael before your court, I believe, are strongly influenced by substance abuse, a problem that Michael has been making efforts to rectify. He has used marijuana, but only sparingly if he didn’t have much left, and then only on weekends or days when he wanted to feel good. Aware of the illegality of the practice, he has limited his intake to medicinal-quality cannabis, or as close to it as he can get. Michael may also have a problem with alcohol, but regularly attends AA meetings and gets his card signed and now drinks heavily only at special occasions or if he is in the company of others or alone at home.

I have known Michael since the day he was born, and found him to be an agreeable and well-mannered baby. Despite outward appearances, he has not had an easy life. As a child, he would often be served what appeared to be Honey Nut Cheerios only to find the honey-delicious O’s were only a veneer, a thin fraud covering a bowl of regular Cheerios, chalky and tasteless.

In his most formative years, Michael was forced to leave all that was familiar to him thousands of miles behind and follow his family to Kansas, a flat and featureless outback with no professional sports franchises of any kind.

Michael has always been in the substantial shadow cast by his two high-achieving older brothers, and his greatest childhood accomplishments have been routinely mocked in Christmas newsletters sent by his family to anyone with whom he has had even a passing acquaintance.

When Michael was a senior in high school, his father filled out college applications and wrote admissions essays on his behalf, but then failed to attend classes and do required coursework, leaving him high and dry.

His mother sometimes speaks slowly and loudly, often repeating even simple phrases numerous times. His father on occasion wears blue polyester pants with white belts and clashing short-sleeved shirts under large hand-me-down sports coats and affects different hair colors.

Despite the hurdles he has had to overcome, Michael retains a large capacity for good. After working for a year selling packaged elixirs, he took every penny he had saved and bought a shiny red car, which he intends to use to help others less fortunate than himself.

I strongly believe that any course of punishment that carries with it the requirement that Michael eat institutional food would be ill-advised considering his uncle’s experience with a single McDonalds Quarter-Pounder-a-day regimen that left him carrying over 250 pounds on his 5’9” frame and experiencing serious mental problems.

With Michael's father recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease, following so closely behind the loss of his adored and adoring sister in the attack on the World Trade Center, and with his maternal grandmother continuing to struggle with no washer or dryer, Michael's difficulties are just another burden on this much pressed-upon family. I strongly urge leniency in your sentencing decision.

Sincerely yours,

Truthteller

Washington D.C. Residents Signing Over Welfare Checks to Support New Stadium

D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams is trying to stir up support for the Washington Nationals’ new 41,000-seat stadium, telling a group of senior citizens last week that only $515 million was needed, not counting expected construction overruns. “The other $20 million is being put up by Major League Baseball”, he said, referring to the current owner of the team.

Analysts have pointed out that the funds required to build the stadium amount to little more than a million average welfare checks. “It’s time the people stepped up”, said Williams.

The new stadium is expected to vastly increase the value of the team at its upcoming sale. The 29 corporate and individual owners that make up MLB realize that the ultimate sales price will have little discernable effect on their overall estimated $100 billion net worth and market value, but point out that they didn’t get where they are by leaving a nickel sitting on the sidewalk.

“I’d hate to see the city kiss off a baseball team”, said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va, who chairs the congressional committee that oversees D.C. affairs and is expected to be a frequent luxury box invitee at the new stadium.

Almost one-in-three children in D.C. live in poverty, and it is expected that the new stadium will give many of these children an opportunity to watch other people going to games.

When asked what he thought about the new stadium’s projected $35 average ticket price, $8 beers and $24 parking fees, a tattered resident manning a food-stamp drop-off point in support of the stadium said “what I need parking for?”

Dead Collector Fails to Take Any of It with Him

Barry Halper, famed collector of sports memorabilia, is dead at 66.

During his lifetime, Mr. Halper amassed over 80,000 pieces of sports memorabilia, religiously inspecting at least ten different items from his collection each day in order to be assured of seeing everything at least once every 22 years.

The biggest disappointment in his life was having acquired only 80,000 items instead of the 90,000 he had hoped to amass.

Although Mr. Halper had known for many years that he couldn’t take it all with him, he never lost hope until the last moment that he might be able to just take the jersey Lou Gehrig wore at his farewell speech and the Honus Wagner card.

Thank you for waiting so patiently...

I'll be right back.